Matters of the Heart
by wma92
Summary: My attempt to stay sane during hiatus. A CS story, it picks up after the events of 'Heroes and Villains' and runs with it from there. This is my first ever fanfic, so any tips or encouragement are more than welcome. Rating is starting off T, but may change to M in later chapters depending on where this ends up going.
1. 1-Lies

Chapter 1 – Lies

It had been three days since he had last seen her – the night in the back of Granny's diner – the night she gave him back his heart. He had felt a swell of emotions once it was finally back in its rightful place, the most so among them a deep, deep love for the golden-haired woman in front of him. She had seemed relieved to see him, finally whole again, but she had only graced him with one kiss and a short moment to hold her before she made her way back to the front of the diner to attend to other matters, other people. That was the last he had seen of her.

In the days following, he had made several attempts to see her, but each time was met with resistance. He had stopped by her parents' loft, but Snow informed him that her daughter was resting and she didn't want to wake her. He tried calling her on her talking phone, but was only met with the sound of her voice asking him to leave yet another message. Finally, he resigned himself to the one truth he was dreading to consider – she was avoiding him.

Then there was a knock on his hotel door. When he answered it, he was so overjoyed to finally see her again that it took him a moment to notice the way in which she stood; hands stuffed in her back pockets, nervous twitch in her tapping foot, and a small smile on her face which didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Well, well, I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever stop ignoring me," he said as he relaxed against the door jam. Her smile faltered a little at his words.

"Can we talk?" she finally asked with a small resigned sigh. He opened the door further and allowed her to pass under his arm into the room.

"To what do I finally owe the pleasure of your company?"

"Well, to be honest, my parents and son have banned me from the loft until I agreed talk to you, so here I am." She was standing in the center of his room in that same guarded stance, looking anywhere and everywhere in the room but at him.

"Emma, what's going on? Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked as he came to stand in front of her.

"I just needed some time and space. Everything was so hectic with Ingrid and Elsa and Gold, I just needed a couple days to myself to recharge…and think."

"Yes, and I was much rather looking forward to enjoying those few days with you," hinted with a waggle of his brows as he reached for her hands.

She tilted her head to the side and let out a sigh, finally looking at him in the eye. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"That."

"What did I do?" he asked, beginning to get annoyed with her demeanor.

"Don't try to make this into some kind of joke Killian. How is this funny? You almost died, don't you get it!" she finally yelled, pulling her hands away.

"That's what this is all about? Swan, I'm fine. I told you; I'm a survivor. Look, here I am," he said with his arms outstretched for her to observe. "I'm fine."

"Yes, now you're fine. But you almost weren't. Do you even realize how close I came to losing you? And do you know why?" she paused to look at him with sadness in her eyes, "because you lied to me." He couldn't help but deflate a little bit at her words, because she was right; He had lied to her. "If you had just stopped for one second to tell me the truth about what Gold was planning, all of this could have been taken care of with a lot less heartache."

"Emma, he had my heart. He was controlling me. Don't you think he would have known and stopped me if I had tried to tell you?" he was grasping at straws now to reason with her, though he was sure that it wasn't working by the look on her face.

"I know that he was controlling you. I know that you couldn't have told me after he got your heart, but you could have told me before. You could have told me about the hat and the old man. Hell, you could have been honest with me when I asked you how you got your hand back. But you didn't tell me Killian. You weren't honest with me. You hid it from me and it almost cost you your life."

"I'm sorry Emma. I made a mistake. You're right, I should have told you." It took all his self-respect not to drop to his knees in front of her and beg for forgiveness, but he knew doing so wouldn't help his case. He screwed up. He withheld the truth from the one person he knew who hated liars the most. Now it was time to face the truth and pray to whatever gods may exist that she would forgive him.

She had begun slowly pacing the room as he spoke and took in his words. She stopped now to lean against the dresser, arms folded, one leg crossed over the other at the ankle. "So tell me now. All of it. From the beginning."

Sighing, he plopped down on the bed and he told her everything.

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><strong>Hey guys, so I know this first chapter is a little short, but I'm just getting started and have a lot planned for this story. Please leave a comment with any ideas, suggestions or encouragements. I'll update the next chapter as soon as I can.<strong>


	2. 2-Truths

Chapter 2 – Truths

"It all started back at our first date. I wanted it to be perfect; I wanted to be perfect. For you. Ever since I met you, you've had this habit of making me feel like I could be a good man again, like I was before the hook. I wanted to be that man for you." As he spoke, he looked at her, his eyes never leaving hers. She supposed it was his way of making sure she saw the truth in his words – and she did. "So I went to the Croc," he continued. "He was the one who took my hand from me and I was sure as hell going to make sure he gave it back."

"How?" she interrupted. What could you have possibly done to _make _The Dark One give you anything?"

"Well, love, I black mailed him of course." At her lack of response, he continued. "I've known that demon for nearly three centuries – I've tracked him, learned his habits and desires – and if there is one thing I've learned about him in all that time, it's that he craves his power and nobody and nothing could get between him and that blade."

"So you knew the whole time. You knew the whole time that Bell didn't have the real blade and you never said anything." He could tell by her tone of voice that this bit of information upset her. And why wouldn't it. Had he told someone from the start that Gold had kept the real dagger, many lives could have been saved.

"As a pirate you learn that information such as that is a valuable commodity. So, yes, I knew. I've known since the Wicked Witch died that there was no way he wouldn't have given up that blade. So I –"

"Wait," she interrupted, "he killed Zelena? Damn it! I knew something felt off about that whole thing." She was pissed now. Not at Killian, but at herself. She's pissed that she had fallen prey to believing in his lies and hadn't gone with her gut which was telling her to not trust the wayward story and altered video. "Sorry, you were saying?"

"Right. Anyway, I went to the Rumplestitlskin to make a deal. The deal was that if he gave me my hand back, I wouldn't tell you, and more importantly Bell, that he still held the real dagger. Upon agreeing to the deal, however, he told me that there may be consequences."

"He threatened you?"

"Not exactly. He informed me that my hand was connected to the man I was then. A man full of anger and revenge. That this connection may cause me to start acting out like my old self. I didn't believe him at first; I just wrote it off as his attempt to dissuade me from our deal. But as the night went on, I found myself doing things and acting in a way that I had thought died away when I met you."

"I remember," she stated softly, lost in thoughts of that night. "I remember you got so mad when that guy – Will something – bumped into our table and spilled my drink. I thought it was just you being over protective and nervous."

"Yes, well, it didn't stop there. On my way here after dropping you off, I ran into our dear Will Scarlet while he was attempting to break into the library. Things got a little... uh... physical, I guess you could say." He had been prepared to hear her yell at him over the altercation.

"That was you?" He winced slightly at her words, though they lacked the anger or disappointment that he was expecting. Instead, when he chanced a look at her, he couldn't help but notice that rather than being upset, she had a slightly bemused look as her head tilted to the side and her brow crept up. He couldn't help but let out a small laugh at her reaction. "But he saw you when you came in to the station the next day."

"Yes, well, I may have threatened him with further bodily harm should he tell anyone what really happened. Anyway, once I realized my behavior, I was convinced of what the Crocodile had told me regarding consequences. So I returned to him and demanded that he took it back. As much as I wished to be whole again for you, I didn't want it at the risk that I could turn back into that man again; the man that I was before you."

She could hear the earnestness in his voice and her heart broke for him. _How could he think that he was any less of a man for being without a hand? Or that I would love him any less because of it. _She thought to herself. But the fact that he was so willing, and wanting, to go through it all just for her meant so much. That he had chosen her over his pirating lifestyle and over his thirst for revenge was more than she thought she would ever get from a man in her life. As his story continued, she felt her anger soften, her stance more relaxed now, and she moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed. As he turned to mirror her posture, she took his hook and hand in hers and waited for him to look at her. "Killian, you know I don't care about that. I don't care whether you have a hook or a hand. You're still you. Your heart is what matters to me. Your actions are what tells me you're a good man. When I look at you, I don't see a man who's lacking. I just see you. I've never known you any other way."

He was still amazed at times when she would grab hold of his hook without shying away or showing any sign of disgust. He held her hand just a little tighter before raising it to his lips with a soft chaste kiss. "I know you don't care love, but that doesn't mean that I don't still want that for you – for us. Having my hand back for even that one night meant so much to me; Just being able to hold you for a short time." She let out a sad, soft sigh as he shook his thoughts away and continued his story. However, I didn't want to risk going back to who I was, or god forbid if I had hurt you, so I went back to Rumplestiltskin and demanded that he take it back. I was naïve to think that he would just do as I asked so we could both go on and pretend as though it never happened. But we both know how he is with making deals. To take my hand back was to him as though he'd be breaking his side, so instead he proposed another deal. He would take my hand back and in return I would owe him a favor."

"Owe him a favor? Killian, please tell me you didn't. You of all people know how dangerous he can be. Making a straightforward deal with him is one thing; you know all the terms before agreeing. But owing him a favor, there's no telling what he could have asked of you."

"I know, I know. It was reckless of me, but I just wanted that damned hand off of me. So I agreed to his terms and he said he would let me know when it was time for him to collect. Days passed before he came to me with his demand." He paused for a moment, needing to summon the courage to continue telling her what he had done. He knew she wouldn't be happy about it, but feared that she may so much as hate him for it. God above, how he hoped she would forgive him. He told her about the old man and the video tape. He told her about Rumple's deception regarding his hand and how it was all in his head.

"You should have told me anyway. I would have believed you over him any day. You've been telling me since we met that I need to trust more, but you couldn't trust me enough to be honest with me." He had nothing to say to this, nothing to defend himself. A sad silence hung in the room between them before she finally asked what she had been dying to know: "At what point in all of this did he take your heart? How long did he have it?"

"Do you remember the night you disappeared?" She nodded her head in the affirmative, so he continued. "We were all out looking for you for so long and I was so scared that something may have happened to you. So I went to him to help. I knew that just asking him to do it for me wouldn't be enough, so I thought that I could persuade him to help for Henry's sake. But when got to his shop I saw your hand burned into the counter and I just knew you had been there and all I could think about was that he was going to use that blasted hat on you. And I couldn't bear the thought that he might hurt you." Moisture gathered in his eyes as he recounted this portion of the story. He was talking faster and she knew he was distressed by the thought of anything happening to her. She felt a little guilty too, for running like she had and causing him any worry. "I even tried to call you on your talking devise and left a message telling everything."

"You left me a message? When? I never got it."

"I know you didn't. I saw the mansion marked on the map he had left out and I made my way there, but by the time I reached it, you were already inside and he was waiting for me. He used magic to erase my message from your phone. Then he proceeded to bind me to the gate and rip my heart out. I had expected him to kill me right then and there, but instead he said he had other plans for me. I'm just grateful that I had the chance to see you again."

"I had no idea he was planning to use the hat on me. He said he could take away my powers and that I wouldn't hurt anyone anymore. That lying little imp!"

"Yes, well, he's gone now. And I have my heart back. And now you know the truth." He let her take in all that he had said before finishing it off with a soft, "I'm so sorry Swan," and waited for her cue on where they would go from there.

She raised her hand to his cheek and pulled him in for a small kiss, resting her forehead on his. He could feel her breath on his skin as they sat there. "I know you are. I know you're sorry and I _do _forgive you. But things can't go back to the way they were. Not right now at least." His pained eyes scanned her face as he took in her meaning. "We just need some time I think. I don't give my trust easily, as you know, and almost never again to people who've once broken it. I do care about you Killian. And I'm so happy you're okay. But I can't just give my trust back to you; you have to earn it."

"I'll do anything. Whatever it takes, Emma. I'm so sorry." All of his pride couldn't stop the tear that rolled down his cheek. And she felt like she might cry herself at the sight of him so broken for wanting her.

She stood and made her way to the door, but was pulled back by his hand on hers as he stood as well. She gave him one last kiss before walking out without another word.

**-  
>So there it is, the second chapter. I hoped the length of this chapter made up for the shortness of the first. About how many words is a chapter normally? Anyone? Anyway, I'm so relieved and thankful for the response I've gotten in only one short day. Please leave me a review or PM if you have any tips, suggestions, or encouragement. I'll try to get chapter three out to you shortly, but with work in the way, it may not be till Friday. Anyway, ttfn!<strong>


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